2001 Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do In RPGs

Some of my favourites includes:

3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.

6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.

10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.

33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'

50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.


103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.

106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.

130. I am not authorized to form the head.

141. My maid does not know kung fu.

143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.

146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.

150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.

161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.

168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
(FYI: References to JRR Tolkien's The Hobbit.)

180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
(FYI: Transformers: The Movie and He-Man references.)

204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
(FYI: The Red Wizards of Thay are from the Forgotten Realms setting.)

247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.

252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.

255: The brooding, dark figure with the hood and raspy voice shouldn't be killed before he's given the party the quest.
256: Nor after he's given the party the quest.
257: Nor after he's given the party the reward for the quest.

277. I will not put a fog spell infront of the archer
278. Especially not if there are our party-fighters in front of the archer
279.And REALLY don't do it if the DM has heard about "friendly fire"
280. Don' think that anyone in your group has blind-fight-
281. And dont use 280. as an excuse to put darkness over your 5th level group battling with a little army of gobos n orks...
(FYI: Goblins and orcs can see in the dark.)

284. If the DM decides to allow guns in the Forgotten Realms, I am not to nag him for an AK-47.
285. Or an Uzi.
286. Or a howitzer.

291: Lawful Stupid and Chaotic Badass are now forbidden alighnments.

293: If may bard uses perform (sing), I can not name him MC Hammer and sing "Can't Touch This"
294: If my bard uses Perfom (danse), I can not name him Micheal Jackson.

275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.

312: Presidigitation can not increase breast size.

323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant.

340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
341: The dog is not there to set of traps.

354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"

360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.

362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.

366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.

376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.

378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.

1260: May not "accidently" stab the party cleric and steal his things.




There are just too many. These are just a few that I liked.

Some of the quotes were taken from a LiveJournal post here.